Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

March 2 2007 ..Not sure how I feel about this day?

   ON this day 4 years ago I lost her. Her being my beloved grandmother. My favorite person in the world. I am writing on March 1st because I remember saying to my mom on the first that she wouldnt die tomorrow. She would not die on the 2nd because karolines birthday was May 2. Well she did. My favorite person was taken from me. Yes hopefully to a better place but my god I loved having her here with me.

   It was Christmas Day 2006.  That evening she went to the hospital thinking she had a kidney infection. That kidney infection turned out to be stomach cancer that was rapidly spreading through every organ in her body. Hearbreaking, scary, and painful. The woman was in pain all year and just let it go thinking it would stop. When she couldnt keep her food down she began to worry and even then it was 2 months until she saw the doctor. Now what?

   The cancer was level 5 and there was no chance to save her so she faced death for 2 months. She looked it straight in the mirror everyday and everyday I thought of her pain inside. The fear of death and loosing us. Loosing our touch. Loosing our family. Thats exactly what happened and  nothing has been the same ever since.  She finally died in her own home in the spot she chose for her last weeks or days on this earth. In her dining room looking out a beautiful window at her farm . A farm she worked hard on. Plants and gardens she had spent years manicuring herself. Horses she never rode but fed and loved them everyday. She finally took her last breath in the middle of the night after everyone had went to sleep after drinking and talking all night in the kitchen. She wanted everyone drunk and happy when she died she had  always said. She said not to cry. My sister and I laid in that bed with her that evening crying and telling her everything we could think to get out to her before she left us.  I am at peace knowing she heard us. She was coherent but could not speak to us. She was so weak. CANCER SUCKS. It is the devil in disguise.

 She was born and raised in east Germany. LEipzig.  She grew up during war. War that she couldnt stand to speak about.  She left at the age of 21 and never looked back. Married an American and was well on her way to a happy life. At least I hope it was for her. She had many children and stayed at home to raise them. She was the best mother ever I am sure of it because she was one pretty amazing grandmother. Beautiful, smart, funny and just perfect in every way. Still to this day she is the strongest soul I have ever met.

   I spoke with her about death while she was facing it. I could write a book about the conversation. Having a conversation with someone waking each morning waiting for death is very deep. She wondered so many things about death. As do I. We each never will know the answer until it comes upon us either. We can believe and trust that God will take care of us but the truth is everyone wonders "whats next"? After the seriousness of the conversation  she then decided that she would come back in another life as a Bichon Frise!! Seriously Grandma!!! As of today I wish she would and I can go adopt her ASAP.  I suppose when a Bichon jumps in front of my car and I stop then it would be safe to assume its her????!!!!!

   I am going to have a rough day tomorrow and probably cry everytime I see the date March 2 on my phone but I know she is safe and happy. I miss her terribly but I know she is there to protect me.  I still wonder why? Why her? She was only 71 and could have lived to see me get married and watch my kids grow. However she did know Jeff and she loved him.  Kailen had a real relationship with her and will probably be the only child to remember her.  She held 9 month old KAroline and wouldnt let her go up until a week before her death. She told me how special she was going to be.  THere was something in her that she gave to all of us girls and I am so glad I am a part of her. I hope my grandfather has a good day tomorrow. I wish he lived closer but he loves the country, the change of season and their farm. He would never leave and I dont expect him to. He was incredibly lucky to have her for 49 years and her him as well.

Yes I have been PAID to model but I hate it. I have a job. Thanks

Ok so Modeling is work and work sucks. There are lots of people who can model for free and think they are hot or something but whatever. If you are not being paid you are wasting your time. MODELS MAKE MONEY and LOTS OF IT!!! Plus I have never felt the need to feel beautiful to everyone else but me and Jeff of course. I have high self-esteem and do not need everyone else to approve of me because I approve of me 100 percent.  I now have 3 kids and a life so I do not need to wake up at 6AM for hair and makeup and sit in the hot sun till noon trying to get the perfect light for the perfect shot. UGh whatever. I do however have a few amazing pics from some crazy cool shoots but again I never intended to become a model. I just wanted pics to remind me of how perfect I was when I am old and well anti gravitating.  Right now after 3 kids 5'10" weighing in at 120. Im doing ok.... OK Ok I think I am hotter than the best of them so HA and I just know it! sexy face rawr! BAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Happy Valentines Day!

" If love is blind then why is lingerie so popular"?..

          Yet another Valentines Day! I will admit that I always had a valentine. Starting in grade school I always had a boy to give me stuff!!! Not one year  since have I not had one. The gifts just keep getting better I must say. Is it terrible to say I have never been single either? Wow from the time I was 16 until now. Boyfriend after boyfriend. Relationship to Relationship. Usually breaking up with one for another!
           I guess some would say that probably Is not good. At some point I should have experienced being single. Well I have no regrets and I am married now so Single is not in the game plan.  I am glad I never had to experience picking through the weed of men.   The truth is I would hate to be that single girl.  Glad I never had to do it.
          People that slam marriage and relationships are haters. They  are not good in relationships because nobody wants to chill with them longer than a night.  I know some single people that are just downright annoying and it is obvious why relationships do not come knocking on their door.  If you are single you probably might wanna keep going to the gym and trying on your looks.  Secondly, men do not care where you got your purse or shoes.  Guys wanna talk about themselves just as much as we do but DONT talk about yourself nonstop.  Make them feel important.  Men know we have the upper hand.  We control the conversation so by letting him boast about himself you are showing you care and can listen. I have actually learned about alot of different things by listening to very smart men.
       I also cant stand a person that constantly tear down other people or causes drama.  This is probably why alot of chicks are single.  DRAMA is annoying and so is CRYING.  If you are a crybaby suck it up. Seriously.  Inless you are getting married, having a baby, hit your funny bone or somebody died. Crying is out.  It just shows you have no control over yourself and you could possibly become a complete mess at some point in your life.  Nobody wants to marry the crazy girl that cries all the time.  Get it ? Got it? Good!

  I have been blessed in many ways. I have always lived my life to be thoughtful of others. I always listen, never create drama and I am just downright LOVEABLE!  There is nothing in this world like someone who knows every inch of you inside and out.   It is Irreplaceable and blessed  if you truly get to experience it!

       My amazing husband brought home 4 dozen roses and a dozen peonies for me.  He loves me. I love him. We got it Right.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Breastfeeding with the best of them. 101

     So yes I am a Breastfeeder. I am also wholeheartedly totally for all of Gisele's mouthy comments about breastfeeding.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The three K's. KAILEN, KAROLINE, Baby girl KORBIN

Kailen Elizabeth is now 10 years old. One Decade. WOW... I am happy to see how smart and beautiful she is.  She loves her sisters and they are lucky to have her. We are lucky to have her.  She is a very kind and caring child. Neat and organized as her virgo sign stands correctly.  I look forward to being very close to her forever. 

         Karoline Alesandra. Sweet Karoline. My sweet quiet beautiful baby. WILD CHILD. WHOA what happened? Must be a Carrie gene she inherited.  Smart like her dad and cute like her mom. Watch out. When I say smart like her dad. I mean Valedictorian ,mathematician , smarter than all the professors at Ohio State smart.  I am going to be amazed at what this kid will accomplish.  She only wears dresses. NEVER pants or shorts.  Boys wear pants and shorts. Not pretty girls like her.  SHe always tell me to put on a dress if I wanna look cute. LOVe HEr so.

Korbin Jiselle.  I love the name Korbin.  My favorite meaning of her name is that a Korbin is a black bird a raven.  In the bible the raven was the first bird that Noah sent out of the ark.  When the prophet Elijah was hidden by the brook Cherith, God commanded the ravens to supply him with food.  Ravens were used by Jesus as an example of why people should believe in God. Ravens neither sow nor reap, yet they are provided with food by God.

                She has just arrived and we are in love yet again.  She sleeps all night and wants held all day. I can handle that.  We switch off on Korbin holding duty. She does not like to be put down unless she is sound asleep.  Just as beautiful and perfect as her sisters. 

See, Korbin was born 3 weeks early. Which was a surprise considering that has never happened to me before.  I would 100 percent blame a stressful situation that approached me prior to her being born. I tried to protect her. To ignore the fabricated situation. When you are attacked physically or emotionally while being pregnant your baby feels it.  She feels everything. 


Tennis Days!!!

       Jimmy Bollettieri walking in this photo with me.  Nick Bollettieri's son. He is our coach ,trainer, teacher , TENNIS instructor.  His father started  IMG  Bollettieri tennis academy . They pump out the tennis machines. Maria, Anna, you name it they probably went there.
       The girls and I have been working on becoming amazing tennis players. We play usually 5 days a week.  This way even when they are 16 and mouthy they can let out some frustration on the tennis court in an effort to beat their mom.  Tennis means wearing a skirt to workout!  Ladylike and classy in every way.  The game is absolutely amazing for cardio and endurance. The game is very mental until you serve and then get that ball over 4 or 5 times. At this point it then becomes VERY physical. Wrist, running, and powerful strokes.
    I have seen this sport change bodies. Mine as well. I now have the strongest inner and outer thighs ever.  Do you ever wonder  why professional tennis players, particularly women are sometimes big? That would be because they play 6-8 hours a day.  The amount of endurance your body needs to do this requires alot of muscle and FOOD!  I will never play that long on any given day so my body will reap the slimming benefit of the cardio exercise!  The only downfall is I have to ice my wrist afterwards or I cannot feel my middle fingertip the next day!

Monday, February 7, 2011

How to not get fat while pregnant. Beginning to End.

WHEW. OK so I just finished an intense 3 month workout regime and body is in tip top perfect condition. BAM Positive pregnancy test!!! I was hoping, wanting, wishing for it though!! The key for me was to always be at the top of my game at conception. Getting my body prepared for 9 months of pregnancy is work. Its cardio for an hour 5 days a week. Pilates, yoga, anything you can do to strengthen your core!! GET YOUR CORE STRONG LADIES!!!
        So you are probably saying " ok whatever you work out to look good and then get pregnant"? YES and keep it up the whole pregnancy! If you are lazy and eat like crap what do you expect. Donuts are not helping your baby grow. Its helping you get fat. Did I eat cake?  I most certainly did! Ice cream? Yep that too. On occasion that is.
       Your daily food intake should only increase 300 calories. I do not count calories but I know when too much food is too much and so do you. You just may not care. I DID. I drank juice from the juicer daily. Apples, carrots, ginger, spinach, lemons, cucumbers, celery, the list goes on and on. If its colorful and grown from the earth. JUICE IT! Can you imagine the benefits for you and baby? AMAZING! Skin is radiant, hair is beautiful, the tummy is looking superb!!! The cardio is important and I do not mean running 5 minute miles.  Elliptical, stationary bike, and long walks were my workouts of choice. Nothing extreme or too hard for the average bear.  Get you tired sick lazy butt up and do it!!! Morning sickness never knocked at my door so I have no idea what to advise in that terrible situation.

Ok so my doctor called me a  Genetic Miracle.  I suppose that may be partly true.  The work I put into being healthy all the time sure helps tremendously.   I am sure some of you may say "well you do not work so you have more time". Yes, True but not entirely. Karoline is home all day with me. That means messes, baths, meals, educating, reading books, ABC's, laundry, dishes, tennis 4 days a week and cooking a well-balanced meal for 5 people each night. UGHHHHHHH!!! Now back to the BODY!  The body is Amazing. Love it and treat it kindly. Even while pregnant and it will love you back.


Ok so I am 28 working on my third baby!!! I feel like this is my place in life to be a mother and try my best to raise these girls to be women. Women of substance and women with strength in every aspect of their lives. I think being a mom to girls is the best gift for me yet. I am sure it will change as the teen years approach as I will only hope they love me too much to expel the teenage wrath upon me.

Heather  and I flew to Ohio to see the doctor and  ITS  A GIRL!!!! It meant the world to me to have Heather there for all of this!! She was away at school in Arizona when Karoline was born. When I had Kailen we had not spoken for 2 years. I moved in 11th grade and we experienced the last years of our high school existence apart from each other. We made up for it though. We served as each others maid of honor in our weddings that were one week apart.  Hers in Ohio. Mine in Miami. We made it both places in 7 days!!!! Thats how Heather and I work. We are multi-taskers. The wedding month was probably one of the best times in my life. My friend Lisa also married that month on the 24th. OCTOBER 09 , I salute you.

My butterfly cocoon hatched. LOOK whos pregnant AGAIN!

In April I went to a yoga class and ended up with a parting gift.  The yoga class was taught by my friend Amanda at this lovely indoor gardening place. The gift was a butterfly cocoon set to hatch 7-10 days later.  A wonderful Easter gift for the girls I thought. I brought the beautiful glass globe home and set it on the centerpiece table dedicated to our wedding photos. A gorgeous butterfly arrived 3 days  later and finally was strong enough to be set free into the world.  The morning of the yoga class at brunch I asked my tarot card reading via iphone app " Will I become pregnant again soon"?  That evening I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!!!!!!

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Yes we did it and we got it all on TV. Platinum weddings season 5 Carrie& Jeff.  It was a dream come true and everyone there felt the magic of the evening.  The night was beautiful, the guests were amazing, and the bridal party was stunning!  Everyone was extremely happy for us . Finally Married 7 years later.  We did it!   I wouldn't change one single minute of it.  I wished it never ended but it did. Only thing left to do now is keep each other happy and wake up each morning to a beautiful day with one another. 

Love and Marriage 7 years into it..

So I am going to start October of 2009. The story of the seven years before then will be a hard edit and too mind blowing for any of you to fathom.  As it begins October 17,2009. Jeff and I got married. Yep we did it exactly 7 years to the day of meeting in 2002.  
      When I met him did he want kids? Nope. Wife? Nope. Relationship and a good person to stand by him through good and bad? You betcha!  I was 19 at the time in college . Tall and blonde with blue eyes. I was his dreamgirl. The one he said he always wanted to meet.  Really?  Thanks.  I like your blue eyes too.  I also like your versace cologne and your lamborghini. 
       OK OK  sounds shallow huh?  Some Old divorced unhappy chic once told  Jeff and I we were shallow.  Get a life lady and a 5th husband while you are at it!   We were in it for good he was stuck and so was I.  We knew we were meant to be.  We had a few bumps along the way.  Thats when we got rid of all the bad people in our life.  USERS .  Fairweather friends.  People who didnt deserve Jeffs friendship.  For those of you who know my husband.  He is amazing in every way.  ENOUGH SAID.
       I walked through the fire with him and stood there every step of the way no matter what .  In the 7 years prior to the wedding alot of bad, money hungry, wife cheating loosers is who we were surrounded with.  So of course my Jeff assumed nobody could ever be happy. Everyone we know basically wants someone better  yet settle for whatever they can get. Quote Hank Moody in Californication " most people, they go their whole life and they never find someone they love ya know? They say they do because everybody's the star of their own romantic comedy, but their full of shit."
       Yep and they will kiss your behind, take your money and gifts and when life gives you a lemon they are gone. Great ! Thanks for proving to yourself how worthless you really are. We already knew.  

Fastforward Miami....we fell in love here. We are leaving OHIO and this is going to be our home. The girls can swim in the ocean, play tennis and love life. .  We are not the normal. We are the ideal. Happy, healthy and pretty much great in every way.