Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

March 2 2007 ..Not sure how I feel about this day?

   ON this day 4 years ago I lost her. Her being my beloved grandmother. My favorite person in the world. I am writing on March 1st because I remember saying to my mom on the first that she wouldnt die tomorrow. She would not die on the 2nd because karolines birthday was May 2. Well she did. My favorite person was taken from me. Yes hopefully to a better place but my god I loved having her here with me.

   It was Christmas Day 2006.  That evening she went to the hospital thinking she had a kidney infection. That kidney infection turned out to be stomach cancer that was rapidly spreading through every organ in her body. Hearbreaking, scary, and painful. The woman was in pain all year and just let it go thinking it would stop. When she couldnt keep her food down she began to worry and even then it was 2 months until she saw the doctor. Now what?

   The cancer was level 5 and there was no chance to save her so she faced death for 2 months. She looked it straight in the mirror everyday and everyday I thought of her pain inside. The fear of death and loosing us. Loosing our touch. Loosing our family. Thats exactly what happened and  nothing has been the same ever since.  She finally died in her own home in the spot she chose for her last weeks or days on this earth. In her dining room looking out a beautiful window at her farm . A farm she worked hard on. Plants and gardens she had spent years manicuring herself. Horses she never rode but fed and loved them everyday. She finally took her last breath in the middle of the night after everyone had went to sleep after drinking and talking all night in the kitchen. She wanted everyone drunk and happy when she died she had  always said. She said not to cry. My sister and I laid in that bed with her that evening crying and telling her everything we could think to get out to her before she left us.  I am at peace knowing she heard us. She was coherent but could not speak to us. She was so weak. CANCER SUCKS. It is the devil in disguise.

 She was born and raised in east Germany. LEipzig.  She grew up during war. War that she couldnt stand to speak about.  She left at the age of 21 and never looked back. Married an American and was well on her way to a happy life. At least I hope it was for her. She had many children and stayed at home to raise them. She was the best mother ever I am sure of it because she was one pretty amazing grandmother. Beautiful, smart, funny and just perfect in every way. Still to this day she is the strongest soul I have ever met.

   I spoke with her about death while she was facing it. I could write a book about the conversation. Having a conversation with someone waking each morning waiting for death is very deep. She wondered so many things about death. As do I. We each never will know the answer until it comes upon us either. We can believe and trust that God will take care of us but the truth is everyone wonders "whats next"? After the seriousness of the conversation  she then decided that she would come back in another life as a Bichon Frise!! Seriously Grandma!!! As of today I wish she would and I can go adopt her ASAP.  I suppose when a Bichon jumps in front of my car and I stop then it would be safe to assume its her????!!!!!

   I am going to have a rough day tomorrow and probably cry everytime I see the date March 2 on my phone but I know she is safe and happy. I miss her terribly but I know she is there to protect me.  I still wonder why? Why her? She was only 71 and could have lived to see me get married and watch my kids grow. However she did know Jeff and she loved him.  Kailen had a real relationship with her and will probably be the only child to remember her.  She held 9 month old KAroline and wouldnt let her go up until a week before her death. She told me how special she was going to be.  THere was something in her that she gave to all of us girls and I am so glad I am a part of her. I hope my grandfather has a good day tomorrow. I wish he lived closer but he loves the country, the change of season and their farm. He would never leave and I dont expect him to. He was incredibly lucky to have her for 49 years and her him as well.

Yes I have been PAID to model but I hate it. I have a job. Thanks

Ok so Modeling is work and work sucks. There are lots of people who can model for free and think they are hot or something but whatever. If you are not being paid you are wasting your time. MODELS MAKE MONEY and LOTS OF IT!!! Plus I have never felt the need to feel beautiful to everyone else but me and Jeff of course. I have high self-esteem and do not need everyone else to approve of me because I approve of me 100 percent.  I now have 3 kids and a life so I do not need to wake up at 6AM for hair and makeup and sit in the hot sun till noon trying to get the perfect light for the perfect shot. UGh whatever. I do however have a few amazing pics from some crazy cool shoots but again I never intended to become a model. I just wanted pics to remind me of how perfect I was when I am old and well anti gravitating.  Right now after 3 kids 5'10" weighing in at 120. Im doing ok.... OK Ok I think I am hotter than the best of them so HA and I just know it! sexy face rawr! BAHAHAHAHAHA!